sometimes ovulating is fun. this month isn't one of those times. i just feel down. lonely and lame. i need more structure in my life. working from home doesn't work so well for me. i need a reason to get out of bed and go out into the world. sober. i'd just be more productive and feel a lot better about my work if i had an office to get up and go to. but really, i'd make an ass out of myself less often if i had more practice being around people. sober. being left alone to my own devices always has such strange consequences for me. particularly when i'm ovulating and the rush of hormones makes certain demands on my body and mind. an urgent need to get laid and perpetual brokeness sends me searching craigslist ads, although i've never been strong enough to go through with it. i suppose i've convinced myself not to go that way, at least not while living here. stupid stigma. perhaps someday when i finally escape. but it certainly would kill two birds with one stone.
its rather annoying that i've moved on from my love of casual sex. it was just so much easier when i just wanted to get down and didn't care about the men i fucked. although that only really worked if dude didn't care about me either, cuz broken hearts aren't sexy. i wasn't trying to hurt anyone..but i definitely shoulda slowed down and given a shit more. seen them for people. thats what makes a lover. really seeing someone. but damn..learning that part has really messed with my sexuality.
cuz now i have this cumbersome desire to be cared for. or maybe its just that unless you have time to teach a guy a thing or two he probably won't really know what he's doing, so you can't rely on him to get you off. its that whole seeing you thing. one night stands don't really see each other..just their own desire to get off. maybe i'm confusing wanting affection with wanting a decent lover. nah, i wish. affection would be cool.
bleh. its so pathetic that i get so bummed out about not having a partner. i mean, its a bit cyclical. of course i don't have anyone when desperation is leaking out of my pores like too many 40s. not cute. but again, it goes with ovulating. my desperation is a direct result of monthly coexisting waves of depression and nymphomania. its really an unfortunate combination. what the hell was evolution thinking on that one?
of course, i'd imagine i must have a reputation as a woman who always wants to get down but refuses to get serious with anyone. certainly has turned off a fella or two that i actually did want to explore a relationship with. it sucks that more men in fresno don't get the polyamory thing. open relationships work in both our interests buddy! ultimately i just don't see myself settling down and i do take the commitment of monogamy very seriously. why take that step if we already know its a temporary path. that leads to a break up. and break ups suck so who would want to go there? and i know i won't settle down with anyone who doesn't share my values. there are sadly few men in fresno who "get it" and i just don't want to risk losing any of the amazing women in my life. you know, cuz of that inevitable break up business. i just need to get out of fresno. go somewhere with a better ratio of people who "get it" to conservative cro-mags. a dating pool that doesn't consist solely of my friends.
dang. what am i even writing about at this point? blah blah blah. poor me, no one to fuck. yeah, i need to get outta the house more.
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