what my momma taught me.

my mom didn't really have friends when i was growing up. mostly she hung out in bed watching her soaps. she had them record on a timer every day while she was at work. then she would come home, lay in bed and watch them and drink coronas. over dinner she would tell my dad about her day, mostly complaining about the incompetencies of her coworkers.

i mean, i remember going to the library with her, watching her do her homework. she was a determined woman. no doubt i got that from her. mom took night classes to finish her degree in finance. then went on to get a masters. it must have been hard working and raising a family and going to school. all my childhood i watcher her busy and stressed out. busy and stressed out. lying in bed watching her soaps to unwind.

i'm so much like her. always busy and stressed out. don't know how to have a conversation unless its to complain. i just don't know how to talk to people. i can barely remember a handful of times when my mom hung out with anyone. we got together with my dad's friends a couple times a year and my mom was cool with all the wives. and she was close with one of her sisters, but she lived by the beach so they talked on the phone. my dad would see his friends, and there was a camaraderie working out on the job site i don't think she got working in an office. it must have been lonely.

thats what i learned from her, how to keep busy and be lonely. ok, i'm not being fair, i also learned to be really strong and smart. but being a strong, intelligent woman + incredibly awkward and bad at chit chat is alienating. the loneliness is killing me. its not her fault, i'm not trying to say that. i see how she was doing the whole supermom thing, having her ed career and family. i'm damn proud of her for getting her degrees and not letting us get in the way of that. its too bad women can't have it all and fit happiness in there too. she's happier now, has friends. i guess now that we're outta the way she has time for herself.