a statement to men who don't like when women get angry about sexism.

why are there only about 5 guys in fresno secure enough in themselves to accept feminist rage without getting butt-hurt? i understand that its about all the bullshit masculinity imposed on you guys, having to prove yrselves all yr lives, survive the guantlet of the locker room and all that. but seriously, this king of the hill game (as robert jensen puts it. getting off: pornography and the end of masculinity. read that shit!), this fight to prove yr a big man, doesn't seem that fun. and the guys i know who don't play that game tend to be the guys who aren't sexist squeeze bags who leer and cat call at women, who make existing in public spaces an uncomfortable, sometimes excruciating, sometimes dangerous experience for us on a daily basis. my friends and i can't walk around town without men leering at us, yelling things at us, following us, reminding us that men are sanctioned in our society to own, harass, fuck, and attack women. can you please take a moment to think about what that is like to have the constant reminder keeping fear and discomfort in the back of our heads? sure its not all men, but what we need you to realize is the reason we generalize is because its a generally applicable statement. the fact that you aren't a squeeze bad doesn't mean that squeeze bagness isn't a fully common characteristic among men.

so why cling so defensively to this tired, binary idea of 'manhood'? why not just be a person? cuz yr trying really hard to defend a pretty scary team. but whatev, all i'm sayin is be secure enough in yrself to get that we talk to you about it cuz we have this misguided idea that yr on our team, that yr safe. on the "gets it" team. on the "we just want to be whole people" team. on the "not a scary douche bag" team. knowing what defensive assholes clinging to Team Manhood makes guys, don't you think i'd reserve my comments for men i trust and respect and feel safe with and thought understood me?

how about instead of getting defensive try hearing us out. listen to us. and quit denying that there is a problematic gender dynamic going on in our society cuz in the end you and i both know that you get privileges from this system. i know stepping away from what yr used to is scary, but in the end being whole people and living in a society of mutual respect sounds pretty cool.

and i'm not going to have respect for men as a whole until the men who should "get it" start a) doing their own homework on this shit and b) start preachin the good word to other men of not being sleazy douche bags. stop doubting us that that shit is pervasive and impacts our quality of life cuz it just makes you really sucky and means yr presence isn't a mentally safe space for us.

you want us to change the way we talk about shit then lets dialogue instead of getting defensive cuz you know what, i have a right to be angry and so do other women and you treating me like theres something wrong with my anger is bullshit. the tv and billboards and magazines sell you beer and so much more with our bodies. we spend our whole childhoods being told to be the passive princess saved by the mighty prince which has a serious impact on the way we see ourselves in the world and in relationships.  men get role models that are action heros and burly athletes, not damsels in distress. we are discouraged from having sex knowing about sex knowing how to talk about sex and our desires and our consent. on the other hand, men are encouraged through media, sports, porn, and each other to treat us like trophies or tits on two legs.  guys get encouraged to be sexual, to watch porn, and most of you don't even see us while yr inside us cuz its more about having a warm, wet place to stick yr dick in then about connecting. and even the ones who are about connecting too often learned their moves from porn so they still don't see us. we live in two different worlds. not that men are from mars bullshit, but seriously, our whole lives we get different messages from society. i think it was marilyn frye who talked about how women have to see both sides cuz we have to know how to anticipate men's moves in order to survive, just as slaves had to anticipate their masters and understand their world views and intentions to survive. men don't have to see our side. men often refuse to see our side, get defensive that we are bothered by the whole thing. i fucking hate thinking that some guy friend of mine is this amazing ally who "gets it" only for him to get butt-hurt when i make broad statements about sucky men. figure it out already. this goes beyond people being assholes, this is about a pervasive system of sexism that is entrenched in every part of our society. yes, women are assholes too. but we don't have that kind of power to hold over you and what i'm talking about goes way above and beyond standard assholeness. i'm talking about this extra dynamic of hierarchy, power, and control. and don't get me wrong, its only one piece of the oppression puzzle. racism, sexism, speciesism, classism, heterosexism, cissexism, able-bodiedism, homophobia, xenophobia, nationalism, i mean the bullshit goes on and on. quit acting like being bothered by it all is silly. you hurt my fucking soul when you refuse to take women's anger or discomfort or fear seriously.